My marriage has been affected, too. We have good and bad days. My husband is supportive and thinks I’m a warrior; he tells me all the time that it’s OK to stop. I know he struggles in silence. He has cried giving me injections. I am grateful for him, but I also feel I’m not a good wife at times. My friends and family are supportive to an extent, but many think that I’m nuts for all I’ve been through. Some say: “You should be happy with your daughter” or “Why do you abuse your body?” or “Why not adopt?” or “Just relax, it will happen.” I’m not mad, but they don’t understand. If you haven’t struggled yourself, how can you? I do, however, have a small support group of friends who understand my decisions.
Right now, I feel numb through all of this. When you have suffered so many losses and had so many disappointments, it almost becomes the norm for you. It becomes your life. At this point, I know how to handle disappointment when the pregnancy test is negative or when I get bad news from the doctor. I can’t tell you how many times I was at work, got the horrible phone call that I was not (or was no longer) pregnant and continued on with my day. I have lost six children so far, and I remember each one on the day they would’ve been born. Sometimes I feel empty, like a failure. Looking back at my journey, I wish I’d spoken up and questioned my doctors more, found a person who went through this too. I think the taboo of miscarriage should be addressed; people suffering through it need comforting and to have their emotions acknowledged. Secondary infertility is real as well, and often unaddressed. I'm sharing my story to educate and encourage women.
Usually after a failure, I have a good cry and thank the heavens that I do have my daughter. As a way to make ourselves feel better and cope, we try to do something as a family: movies, dinner at our favorite spot, a weekend away in a fun place. During this time, we’ve decided to stay positive, talk about our feelings and pray. Spending so much time together during this pandemic, my husband and I have been more open and honest about our journey. We accept that we have tried everything and whatever the future holds we will be OK, even if it’s not the miracle we hope for.
- As told to Saryn Chorney
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