DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS having awesome sex with a gorgeous guy but he gave me such mixed messages I don’t know if he now wants to be friends or lovers.
I’m 33 and this man is 35. We met online through a mutual friend and became particularly close because we are both into the same video game.
He kept nagging to meet up and I eventually agreed, though he made it very clear he only wanted a friends-with-benefits situation.
He laid down three rules — no commitment, no jealousy and no falling in love with one another. I agreed to this because I didn’t see the harm in it and I didn’t want any full-on relationship.
We started having regular sex and it was going brilliantly but he started accusing me of loving him after three months — and wanted to break it off.
I told him, if that was what he wanted, it was fine with me but I wasn’t in love with him. To me it was just an FWB arrangement, which I was prepared to stick to. I said I loved him in the same way that I loved my female best friends and nothing more.
But he kept on accusing me of loving him. In the end, I stopped having sex with him, and said that I was fed up with the arguments, which were putting our friendship at risk. That was a year ago.
We are now still the best of friends, and closer than ever, but he’s pestering me to have sex with him again. He wants to visit me secretly during lockdown.
When I refuse, he tells me I am selfish and should give some thought to him “for a change”. He tells me he loves me but I wonder what type of love that might be.
He is one of my closest friends and I love him a lot, as in I am fond of him, but I am not in love with him. I really don’t want to lose this friendship but am worried I will have to.
Should I take a step back from him? Should I just ignore his behaviour? After all, he was the one who laid down the rules. I am so confused, I just don’t know what I should be doing.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Ask yourself what you get from this friendship with a man who sounds as if he wants you to feel hurt, used and short-changed in your dealings with him.
Did it bruise his ego when you didn’t fall in love with him when you were having sex?
Is that why he’s trying to lure you back into being FWB – so that he can then row with you and accuse you of caring too much?
His machinations are not worth you bothering with, quite apart from the health risk of seeing him while Covid is such a threat. Tell him firmly either to accept you are friends only, no sex, or you won’t be friends at all.
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