“I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I did not want to live.”
Tana Mongeau has shared many personal stories as a YouTube star, but none more personal than telling fans she suffered abuse during her childhood.
In an extensive confessional video titled "letting you in on the truth about MTV, depression + a life update," the social media sensation detailed how years of "torment" caused her to internalize her pain, which she said she carried for years before it evolved into severe depression and drug use.
"I don’t even know how to say it," 21-year-old began. "My childhood was just the worst thing on Earth and I’m very lucky to have gotten out of that, but obviously, I spent, like, 15 years of my life being so incredibly emotionally abused and physically abused and mentally abused."
"I was like raising myself all of those years," she continued.
"I built up so much hatred for my parents and so much anger for the entire life they had given me," she added. "It was so dark and they’re never going to say they’re sorry in the way that I want to hear."
Mongeau also revealed she "went through abusive relationships" when she was 16.
TooFab has reached out to her parents for comment.
Even though she credits her YouTube stardom as the "way out," the road to fame was a bumpy one, filled with personal setbacks.
"I spent the next six years continuing to bottle in any emotional pain that I could while I was also snowballing into a bigger and bigger point of fame. Months before I started my YouTube channel, my best friend died, and I was spending the days filming and the nights staring at the ceiling, bottling in the depression," Mongeau confessed.
Eventually, she said she found herself abusing Xanax, as she continually attempted to numb "things out."
"I was at the point of taking Xanax, where it’s not where I was trying to overdose — I was definitely just taking enough to where I wasn’t trying to kill myself, but I definitely didn’t care if I died," she said. "I think that’s the scariest road that you could possibly take."
In 2019, Mongeau hit "rock bottom," after the wrap of her MTV show and a very public split with fellow YouTube star, Jake Paul.
"2019 might have been one of the most successful textbook years of my life, but when it comes to my mental state it was absolutely hands down, in my 21 years of life, the worst year of that," she divulged. "I think by the end of 2019 I had beaten myself up in every possible way to the point where I wasn’t even a person. I wanted to die. I wanted to kill myself. I did not want to live."
The viral celebrity, however, said she has worked hard recently to overcome her past and her drug abuse, claiming she is "now at the happiest place I’ve ever been in my entire life."
With her new outlook on life, she said she hopes to use her platform now to help others, especially those suffering during the coronavirus pandemic.
Watch the entire video above.
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